I decided to change the title of the blog today from "The Gehlbach Family" to "Perseverance". Websters defines perseverance as the continued effort to do or achieve something despite difficulties, failure, or opposition.
I guess it just feels like that's what we've been doing for the last year or so - persevering. In a way, I feel torn because perhaps I should select somewhat more uplifting. But, it just feels right for now so "Perseverance" it is.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Daddy
As I said in a previous post, where do I even start to relate all that has changed since I've blogged last? The biggest change without a doubt is the fact that Daddy died on May 7, 2010. He was diagnosed with primary liver cancer in November 2010, went through a couple of rounds of chemo by embolizing his portal vein, attempted a liver resection, found a new tumor on the healthy side and spent 8 weeks in hospice - all in 6 months time. I have several posts I made on Facebook at the time that I haven't re-read in quite a while. Not sure how much I want to read right now but I will share my original FB post.
I have so many thoughts going through my mind. So many things that I want to say to him. Replaying events of the past few months. I am not ready to let him go. I don't want this to be it. I am too young, my kids are too young. He is too young.
It is Thursday, March 11th at 2am. I am sitting at my father's side watching him sleep. Watching his blood pressure, his blood oxygen stats. He is sleeping fitfully but he is finally sleeping.
Mother is trying to sleep but I know she's not sleeping well. I worry about how I am going to tell Reed. What will I say when he asks where Papa is? I am heartbroken over this. He think that Nana and Papa are a unit. And they are. It is never just Nana or just Papa. It's one word - NanaAndPapa. How does a 3 year old process this?
We finally talked tonight about how he doesn't have much time left. We talked about the funeral, about where he wants to be buried. Unfortunately there are no plots available near my brother and sister. He wants How Great Thou Art sung at the funeral. He talked to Mike about finances. He doesn't want to leave Mother to have to mess with everything.
On August 20th, they will have been married for 50 years. I have been thinking about how we could celebrate for the last several years. I wanted so badly for them to have this anniversary. My heart is broken for my mother. How does she go home to an empty house, an empty bed?
I have no doubts whatsoever about where Daddy will spend eternity. I know that he will have no suffering. That he will be reunited with Jennifer and Chris, my brother and sister. I know that lifeis finite and that death will come regardless. I just don't want to let him go. I want my kids to grow up with him. I want Mother to have him around. I want to have him around.
I know that I could spend the rest of my life with "what-if's" but it is hard not to wish that we hadn't attempted the liver resection. Just three weeks ago, the CT scan showed that the left side of his liver had grown enough to remove the tumor on the right. We never imagined that the surgeon would find another tumor. A tumor the size of a half-dollar that wasn't there just 3 weeks ago. The surgeon thinks that the anesthesia from attempting the surgery was just too much for his body. His blood pressure dropped too low and his kidneys started to fail. I think about if we had just tried to make him comfortable, gotten him a morphine pump, etc. He could have been happier his last few months instead of miserable.
He has gained 20 pounds in the last two days. It looks like it is all in his legs. They are so swollen. He had lost about 50 pounds since November when this started. His shoulders are so thin. The skin hangs off his arms and face. I have never seen my father like this. He is having anxiety attacks and wants Mother or me to be close by. I am struck by the irony that I comforted him with the same shh'ing that comforts my babies.
Mother was torn with telling him how bad it is. I was selfish. I didn't want him to slip away in a coma without me being able to say goodbye. I want him to be able to tell us that he loves us.
I have never watched someone die. Chris was in a car wreck and I never got to say goodbye. Jennifer was in a coma for two weeks but since I was only 7, I wasn't allowed into the ICU. I never got to say goodbye to her either. I desperately want to be able to say goodbye to Daddy.
Daddy and I have butted heads so many times. We are both stubborn. He is very rational while I am emotional. I know there were so many times where I frustrated him. But I love him. He is my Daddy.
When I was little, Daddy took a Dale Carnegie class. Each person had to give a presentation to the group. Daddy's presentation was about me and how he and Mother adopted me. There were grown men that cried. I remember when Jennifer died, I saw him cry for the first time. I will never forget how it felt like the world was ending to see him cry.
I remember driving cross country on one of our several moves. Listening to a Conway Twitty or Buddy Holly 8-track. I got so tired of those songs. He worked so hard and always took care of his family. Regardless of where we moved, we were still together.
He has a strong faith. A quiet faith that isn't in your face but he will also gladly share. He has been active in church my whole life. I remember going up to the Family Life Center at FBC Little Rock with him and learning how to shoot pool with he and the other deacons. He worked with the Homebound then and continued until just a fewmonths ago. He and Mother did Meals on Wheels just a couple of months ago. He was more than willing to help anyone who needed it.
I can't believe that I'm going to have to let him go.
I have so many thoughts going through my mind. So many things that I want to say to him. Replaying events of the past few months. I am not ready to let him go. I don't want this to be it. I am too young, my kids are too young. He is too young.
It is Thursday, March 11th at 2am. I am sitting at my father's side watching him sleep. Watching his blood pressure, his blood oxygen stats. He is sleeping fitfully but he is finally sleeping.
Mother is trying to sleep but I know she's not sleeping well. I worry about how I am going to tell Reed. What will I say when he asks where Papa is? I am heartbroken over this. He think that Nana and Papa are a unit. And they are. It is never just Nana or just Papa. It's one word - NanaAndPapa. How does a 3 year old process this?
We finally talked tonight about how he doesn't have much time left. We talked about the funeral, about where he wants to be buried. Unfortunately there are no plots available near my brother and sister. He wants How Great Thou Art sung at the funeral. He talked to Mike about finances. He doesn't want to leave Mother to have to mess with everything.
On August 20th, they will have been married for 50 years. I have been thinking about how we could celebrate for the last several years. I wanted so badly for them to have this anniversary. My heart is broken for my mother. How does she go home to an empty house, an empty bed?
I have no doubts whatsoever about where Daddy will spend eternity. I know that he will have no suffering. That he will be reunited with Jennifer and Chris, my brother and sister. I know that lifeis finite and that death will come regardless. I just don't want to let him go. I want my kids to grow up with him. I want Mother to have him around. I want to have him around.
I know that I could spend the rest of my life with "what-if's" but it is hard not to wish that we hadn't attempted the liver resection. Just three weeks ago, the CT scan showed that the left side of his liver had grown enough to remove the tumor on the right. We never imagined that the surgeon would find another tumor. A tumor the size of a half-dollar that wasn't there just 3 weeks ago. The surgeon thinks that the anesthesia from attempting the surgery was just too much for his body. His blood pressure dropped too low and his kidneys started to fail. I think about if we had just tried to make him comfortable, gotten him a morphine pump, etc. He could have been happier his last few months instead of miserable.
He has gained 20 pounds in the last two days. It looks like it is all in his legs. They are so swollen. He had lost about 50 pounds since November when this started. His shoulders are so thin. The skin hangs off his arms and face. I have never seen my father like this. He is having anxiety attacks and wants Mother or me to be close by. I am struck by the irony that I comforted him with the same shh'ing that comforts my babies.
Mother was torn with telling him how bad it is. I was selfish. I didn't want him to slip away in a coma without me being able to say goodbye. I want him to be able to tell us that he loves us.
I have never watched someone die. Chris was in a car wreck and I never got to say goodbye. Jennifer was in a coma for two weeks but since I was only 7, I wasn't allowed into the ICU. I never got to say goodbye to her either. I desperately want to be able to say goodbye to Daddy.
Daddy and I have butted heads so many times. We are both stubborn. He is very rational while I am emotional. I know there were so many times where I frustrated him. But I love him. He is my Daddy.
When I was little, Daddy took a Dale Carnegie class. Each person had to give a presentation to the group. Daddy's presentation was about me and how he and Mother adopted me. There were grown men that cried. I remember when Jennifer died, I saw him cry for the first time. I will never forget how it felt like the world was ending to see him cry.
I remember driving cross country on one of our several moves. Listening to a Conway Twitty or Buddy Holly 8-track. I got so tired of those songs. He worked so hard and always took care of his family. Regardless of where we moved, we were still together.
He has a strong faith. A quiet faith that isn't in your face but he will also gladly share. He has been active in church my whole life. I remember going up to the Family Life Center at FBC Little Rock with him and learning how to shoot pool with he and the other deacons. He worked with the Homebound then and continued until just a fewmonths ago. He and Mother did Meals on Wheels just a couple of months ago. He was more than willing to help anyone who needed it.
I can't believe that I'm going to have to let him go.
Turning 40
I posted this on Facebook back in March 2010...
For whatever reason, turning 40 has been a little harder for me than I would have hoped. Turning 30 was nothing but turning 40 just felt, well not old but definitely getting there. I know that I look older. I have a lot more gray hairs, lines around my eyes, etc. There are days where I feel every day of those 40 years! I guess I've just been thinking a lot about how different my life was 10 years ago from now.
Ten years ago, my life was focused on work and planning our wedding. Mike and I had gotten engaged 3 months earlier. I was also traveling a lot for work.
Even in March 2000, I remember feeling like I was still recovering from all the effort we put into Y2K. We had worked for months on the Y2K Project. I worked all night on December 31, 1999. Party like it’s 1999? Uh, not really! We did have one “red” issue that was a Y2K related event – a drunk driver ran took out a transformer so Florham Park lost power. That was our big event for the night.
Work was really my life. I think back and it completely defined me. My ups and my downs, my self esteem was completely tied to it.
Oh, the clothes! I spent way more than I should have on clothes but I had some really nice things. When I met Mike, I think I had like 70+ pairs of shoes. I had some gorgeous heels and work shoes. I got my hair cut every 6 weeks. Got my brows waxed regularly. Thought nothing of dropping a fortune on makeup. The list goes on. I wish I had a 10th of the money that I wasted. Sigh…
Now, my life is focused on my kids. I haven’t “worked outside the home” in almost 4.5 years. I spend my days cleaning up after meal times, changing diapers, doing laundry, etc. In many ways, no job was ever this challenging. No job has ever pushed me to these limits. But no job was ever this gratifying either. The little smiles, the milestones, the “I love you, Mommy” or “I missed you, Mommy” from Reed. No offense, but no praise from a Senior Exec ever felt near as good as one little smile.
I weigh lless than I did 10 years ago. Well, after losing 90+ pounds! My body definitely doesn’t look the same even though I’ve lost weight. Everything has moved around some and my tummy will never be the same. I have just started doing Pilates on my own though to see if that helps. I think I’m already seeing some results, so that is very encouraging!
I definitely eat healthier than I did 10 years ago. I also go to bed a lot earlier than I did 10 years ago! I have less time to get things done but I accomplish more. I think back and wonder what I did with all the spare time that I had.
Sometimes I wish I could have some of the alone time that I had then. Not have little hands grabbing at me (I think Everything Counts by Depeche Mode is the kids’ theme song!) constantly. But I remember how empty inside that I felt at times. How I felt at times that despite all of my efforts, I wasn’t really making a difference in my job. I am definitely needed now! I never imagined just how much I could love someone until Reed was born. I never imagined just how much I could love THREE someone’s until Caroline and Culp were born! I don’t think that there is anything that any one of them could do to make me stop loving them.
Am I exhausted at times? Absolutely. Frustrated? Yep. Feel like everything is resting on my shoulders? Definitely. But, I wouldn’t change a single thing if it meant not having my babies. They mean the world to me.
So, I guess that overall my life is so much better than it was 10 years ago. So much richer. I have grown a lot as an individual and I hope that I grow and mature as a mother each day. Here’s to the next 10 years! Watch out 50! ;)
For whatever reason, turning 40 has been a little harder for me than I would have hoped. Turning 30 was nothing but turning 40 just felt, well not old but definitely getting there. I know that I look older. I have a lot more gray hairs, lines around my eyes, etc. There are days where I feel every day of those 40 years! I guess I've just been thinking a lot about how different my life was 10 years ago from now.
Ten years ago, my life was focused on work and planning our wedding. Mike and I had gotten engaged 3 months earlier. I was also traveling a lot for work.
Even in March 2000, I remember feeling like I was still recovering from all the effort we put into Y2K. We had worked for months on the Y2K Project. I worked all night on December 31, 1999. Party like it’s 1999? Uh, not really! We did have one “red” issue that was a Y2K related event – a drunk driver ran took out a transformer so Florham Park lost power. That was our big event for the night.
Work was really my life. I think back and it completely defined me. My ups and my downs, my self esteem was completely tied to it.
Oh, the clothes! I spent way more than I should have on clothes but I had some really nice things. When I met Mike, I think I had like 70+ pairs of shoes. I had some gorgeous heels and work shoes. I got my hair cut every 6 weeks. Got my brows waxed regularly. Thought nothing of dropping a fortune on makeup. The list goes on. I wish I had a 10th of the money that I wasted. Sigh…
Now, my life is focused on my kids. I haven’t “worked outside the home” in almost 4.5 years. I spend my days cleaning up after meal times, changing diapers, doing laundry, etc. In many ways, no job was ever this challenging. No job has ever pushed me to these limits. But no job was ever this gratifying either. The little smiles, the milestones, the “I love you, Mommy” or “I missed you, Mommy” from Reed. No offense, but no praise from a Senior Exec ever felt near as good as one little smile.
I weigh lless than I did 10 years ago. Well, after losing 90+ pounds! My body definitely doesn’t look the same even though I’ve lost weight. Everything has moved around some and my tummy will never be the same. I have just started doing Pilates on my own though to see if that helps. I think I’m already seeing some results, so that is very encouraging!
I definitely eat healthier than I did 10 years ago. I also go to bed a lot earlier than I did 10 years ago! I have less time to get things done but I accomplish more. I think back and wonder what I did with all the spare time that I had.
Sometimes I wish I could have some of the alone time that I had then. Not have little hands grabbing at me (I think Everything Counts by Depeche Mode is the kids’ theme song!) constantly. But I remember how empty inside that I felt at times. How I felt at times that despite all of my efforts, I wasn’t really making a difference in my job. I am definitely needed now! I never imagined just how much I could love someone until Reed was born. I never imagined just how much I could love THREE someone’s until Caroline and Culp were born! I don’t think that there is anything that any one of them could do to make me stop loving them.
Am I exhausted at times? Absolutely. Frustrated? Yep. Feel like everything is resting on my shoulders? Definitely. But, I wouldn’t change a single thing if it meant not having my babies. They mean the world to me.
So, I guess that overall my life is so much better than it was 10 years ago. So much richer. I have grown a lot as an individual and I hope that I grow and mature as a mother each day. Here’s to the next 10 years! Watch out 50! ;)
Fell Off the Face of the Earth
Good Lord, it's been over a year and a half since I've written a blog post. No, I didn't fall off the face of the Earth. I guess life just got in the way.
Where do I even start?
Where do I even start?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)