Daddy

As I said in a previous post, where do I even start to relate all that has changed since I've blogged last?  The biggest change without a doubt is the fact that Daddy died on May 7, 2010.  He was diagnosed with primary liver cancer in November 2010, went through a couple of rounds of chemo by embolizing his portal vein, attempted a liver resection, found a new tumor on the healthy side and spent 8 weeks in hospice - all in 6 months time.  I have several posts I made on Facebook at the time that I haven't re-read in quite a while.  Not sure how much I want to read right now but I will share my original FB post.

I have so many thoughts going through my mind. So many things that I want to say to him. Replaying events of the past few months. I am not ready to let him go. I don't want this to be it. I am too young, my kids are too young. He is too young.

It is Thursday, March 11th at 2am. I am sitting at my father's side watching him sleep. Watching his blood pressure, his blood oxygen stats. He is sleeping fitfully but he is finally sleeping.

Mother is trying to sleep but I know she's not sleeping well. I worry about how I am going to tell Reed. What will I say when he asks where Papa is? I am heartbroken over this. He think that Nana and Papa are a unit. And they are. It is never just Nana or just Papa. It's one word - NanaAndPapa. How does a 3 year old process this?

We finally talked tonight about how he doesn't have much time left. We talked about the funeral, about where he wants to be buried. Unfortunately there are no plots available near my brother and sister. He wants How Great Thou Art sung at the funeral. He talked to Mike about finances. He doesn't want to leave Mother to have to mess with everything.

On August 20th, they will have been married for 50 years. I have been thinking about how we could celebrate for the last several years. I wanted so badly for them to have this anniversary. My heart is broken for my mother. How does she go home to an empty house, an empty bed?

I have no doubts whatsoever about where Daddy will spend eternity. I know that he will have no suffering. That he will be reunited with Jennifer and Chris, my brother and sister. I know that lifeis finite and that death will come regardless. I just don't want to let him go. I want my kids to grow up with him. I want Mother to have him around. I want to have him around.

I know that I could spend the rest of my life with "what-if's" but it is hard not to wish that we hadn't attempted the liver resection. Just three weeks ago, the CT scan showed that the left side of his liver had grown enough to remove the tumor on the right. We never imagined that the surgeon would find another tumor. A tumor the size of a half-dollar that wasn't there just 3 weeks ago. The surgeon thinks that the anesthesia from attempting the surgery was just too much for his body. His blood pressure dropped too low and his kidneys started to fail. I think about if we had just tried to make him comfortable, gotten him a morphine pump, etc. He could have been happier his last few months instead of miserable.

He has gained 20 pounds in the last two days. It looks like it is all in his legs. They are so swollen. He had lost about 50 pounds since November when this started. His shoulders are so thin. The skin hangs off his arms and face. I have never seen my father like this. He is having anxiety attacks and wants Mother or me to be close by. I am struck by the irony that I comforted him with the same shh'ing that comforts my babies.

Mother was torn with telling him how bad it is. I was selfish. I didn't want him to slip away in a coma without me being able to say goodbye. I want him to be able to tell us that he loves us.

I have never watched someone die. Chris was in a car wreck and I never got to say goodbye. Jennifer was in a coma for two weeks but since I was only 7, I wasn't allowed into the ICU. I never got to say goodbye to her either. I desperately want to be able to say goodbye to Daddy.

Daddy and I have butted heads so many times. We are both stubborn. He is very rational while I am emotional. I know there were so many times where I frustrated him. But I love him. He is my Daddy.

When I was little, Daddy took a Dale Carnegie class. Each person had to give a presentation to the group. Daddy's presentation was about me and how he and Mother adopted me. There were grown men that cried. I remember when Jennifer died, I saw him cry for the first time. I will never forget how it felt like the world was ending to see him cry.

I remember driving cross country on one of our several moves. Listening to a Conway Twitty or Buddy Holly 8-track. I got so tired of those songs. He worked so hard and always took care of his family. Regardless of where we moved, we were still together.

He has a strong faith. A quiet faith that isn't in your face but he will also gladly share. He has been active in church my whole life. I remember going up to the Family Life Center at FBC Little Rock with him and learning how to shoot pool with he and the other deacons. He worked with the Homebound then and continued until just a fewmonths ago. He and Mother did Meals on Wheels just a couple of months ago. He was more than willing to help anyone who needed it.

I can't believe that I'm going to have to let him go.