Turning 40

I posted this on Facebook back in March 2010...

For whatever reason, turning 40 has been a little harder for me than I would have hoped. Turning 30 was nothing but turning 40 just felt, well not old but definitely getting there. I know that I look older. I have a lot more gray hairs, lines around my eyes, etc. There are days where I feel every day of those 40 years! I guess I've just been thinking a lot about how different my life was 10 years ago from now.

Ten years ago, my life was focused on work and planning our wedding. Mike and I had gotten engaged 3 months earlier. I was also traveling a lot for work.

Even in March 2000, I remember feeling like I was still recovering from all the effort we put into Y2K. We had worked for months on the Y2K Project. I worked all night on December 31, 1999. Party like it’s 1999? Uh, not really! We did have one “red” issue that was a Y2K related event – a drunk driver ran took out a transformer so Florham Park lost power. That was our big event for the night.

Work was really my life. I think back and it completely defined me. My ups and my downs, my self esteem was completely tied to it.

Oh, the clothes! I spent way more than I should have on clothes but I had some really nice things. When I met Mike, I think I had like 70+ pairs of shoes. I had some gorgeous heels and work shoes. I got my hair cut every 6 weeks. Got my brows waxed regularly. Thought nothing of dropping a fortune on makeup. The list goes on. I wish I had a 10th of the money that I wasted. Sigh…

Now, my life is focused on my kids. I haven’t “worked outside the home” in almost 4.5 years. I spend my days cleaning up after meal times, changing diapers, doing laundry, etc. In many ways, no job was ever this challenging. No job has ever pushed me to these limits. But no job was ever this gratifying either. The little smiles, the milestones, the “I love you, Mommy” or “I missed you, Mommy” from Reed. No offense, but no praise from a Senior Exec ever felt near as good as one little smile.

I weigh lless than I did 10 years ago. Well, after losing 90+ pounds! My body definitely doesn’t look the same even though I’ve lost weight. Everything has moved around some and my tummy will never be the same. I have just started doing Pilates on my own though to see if that helps. I think I’m already seeing some results, so that is very encouraging!

I definitely eat healthier than I did 10 years ago. I also go to bed a lot earlier than I did 10 years ago! I have less time to get things done but I accomplish more. I think back and wonder what I did with all the spare time that I had.

Sometimes I wish I could have some of the alone time that I had then. Not have little hands grabbing at me (I think Everything Counts by Depeche Mode is the kids’ theme song!) constantly. But I remember how empty inside that I felt at times. How I felt at times that despite all of my efforts, I wasn’t really making a difference in my job. I am definitely needed now! I never imagined just how much I could love someone until Reed was born. I never imagined just how much I could love THREE someone’s until Caroline and Culp were born! I don’t think that there is anything that any one of them could do to make me stop loving them.

Am I exhausted at times? Absolutely. Frustrated? Yep. Feel like everything is resting on my shoulders? Definitely. But, I wouldn’t change a single thing if it meant not having my babies. They mean the world to me.

So, I guess that overall my life is so much better than it was 10 years ago. So much richer. I have grown a lot as an individual and I hope that I grow and mature as a mother each day. Here’s to the next 10 years! Watch out 50! ;)